….but it’s been years. Years since I first started trying to lose weight. It was August 2009. 8 years ago. I was 11 years old. It might not seem awful if I was extremely overweight and just looking for a way to better myself. If I was fringing upon the decay of my health, but I wasn’t. I was a healthy child, but somehow my new reality was obsession and has been since.
Processed with VSCO with c1 preset
Every once in a while I starve myself. I’ll binge and purge. I’ll get on a health kick, but generally, I’m just always thinking about weight and constantly binging.
Do you know what it feels like to be in such a cycle? It’s an awful feeling to feel like you’re trapped inside yourself. In your wrong self. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. People say love your body, but the thing is I do….kind of. There are times I look at myself, and I feel great. There are times when my stomach hurts from overeating, and I’m okay with that. Sometimes I’m not, and I rid my stomach of it in the bathroom. Sometimes I don’t drink enough water, and I wake up extremely thirsty. Sometimes I walk up a hill and huff and puff, somewhat of an oddity for me. I want that to change. It isn’t just about being small or tiny. It’s about me wanted to feel good in a swimsuit. About me wanting a butt, for aesthetic and health reasons. I want a waist. I want clothes to fit. I want to be healthy.
I’ve always been a fairly healthy person. I ate okay, and I played sports. Now though I hate exercise. I’m lazy and feel like I’m already behind, so what’s the point. It scares me to go to the gym. I don’t wanna be judged. I don’t want to see my fat jiggling. I want to look normal. I want to look powerful, not ditzy.
When I started to try to lose weight in the first place, my diet became good at times and worse at others. The thing is that I never wanted to do it the healthy way. Results were too slow. Weight didn’t drop off. I loved bread too much. I loved desserts too much. I loved food. Food was my comfort. All these years trying the diets and shortcuts have gotten me no where. I’m back at the beginning…farther from the beginning. Very little have I genuinely tried to lose weight healthily, so maybe it’s time.
I think it is. I want to do this.
Madison